Can I Really Do This?

If you read the blog entry before this one, you will have learned how I recovered from my paralyzing fear through the support and guidance of dear friends.  But the story didn't end there, it continues here….

That day at the Bodacious Goddess Breakfast and the intervention in my car, was a Thursday.  That following Monday, I had lunch with Francine Raften.  In my first blog, I mentioned that Francine had read ROAR! and approached me with the idea of having my own radio show.  Francine also has thirty plus years of experience in radio, TV, and standup comedy; in other words she is a rock star is this world of unknown to me. 

My purpose for lunch with Francine, was to ask her one very important question: “What about ROAR! made you think it could be a show and CAN I REALLY DO THIS?”

Her answer made me sit up an pay attention.  She told me that when she read ROAR! ((here), she couldn’t stop thinking of it.  It had awakened something inside of her, and that something was powerful, important and potentially altering.  If she felt this way, others had to as well, and if others experienced this same awakening, then what kind of impact could it have on the women of the world?  And, she believed that Earth2World Broadcasting Network was just the ticket to make this happen.

Francine’s sincerity and surface emotions could not be ignored.  I knew I had to listen, and listen I did.  I heard her on so many levels – the level of professional (“I know what the hell I’m talking about”), the level of friend (“trust me, I won’t steer you wrong”), the level of one woman to another (“this will change how women behave in the world”), to the level of Spirit (“this is bigger than the both of us could ever imagine”)!  By the time I left, I knew for sure, finally 100%, I was ready to commit.

That night, at 7:00pm, I emailed Trudi Morrison, founder of Earth2World, and quoted my Goddess friends from the car, “Yes, I have my own Radio Show!”  Trudi replied instantly, “We are filming tomorrow for the promos. Can you meet Wednesday or Thursday?  Congratulations on taking the leap.”

At 3:30 that next morning (a time of night I ritualistically wake up to meditate and pray), I heard an inner voice tell me, “You need to be part of that taping!”  Waiting until 6:00, I emailed Trudi and asked her, “I know you have your scrip already written and your schedule for the day is full, but do you think…..do you think, I could possibly be part of this taping?”  She replied with a heartfelt,”YES, join us at 11:00 and we will squeeze you in!”  This was a gigantic leap into the sea of bravery; I was diving right in, and hoping I could swim with the best of them.

When I arrived to Earth2World, the “ON AIR” sign was on and blinking, I could not enter.  Oh my GOD, this is F’in real!  What am I doing here?  Something about that sign landed in my gut and my insecurities decided to have a field day with it, fortunately, not for long.  Trudi, expecting me, open the door and quietly invited me in.  Francine Raften and Janna Lopez of the Fran & Jan Show were just wrapping it up; I got to see two pros at work.  Margie Boule, of The Oregonian journalistic and Portland TV celebrity, was there to help with the taping.  She immediately zeroed in on me, great, just shoot me now, is there a freakin’ “L” on my forehead or what?  Her advice to me, “Speak to the money Cinda!”  OK?.....

There were two cameras set up, run by Jim Griffith and Bob Pallotta, of the Portland Trailblazer behind the camera fame, and they knew what they were doing.  I had been there maybe 15 minutes when Trudi asked me to do my 30 second “I’m tuned in” promotional bit (E2W’s tag line is, Are You Tuned In? so they wanted us to repeat the tag line and let them know what we are tuned into).

Bob pointed the camera at me, counted down and without much thought and most certainly no practice, out of my mouth came, “Hi, I’m Cinda Stevens Lonsway and I’m tuned into ROAR! Are you ready to ROAR!?  Come join me and let’s ROAR! together!” or something like that and THAT wasn’t so hard.  Next, Trudi wanted me to introduce my show, which is what I thought I just did…. Oh God, I already screwed up, WTH? Can I really do this? So I just did it again….

Janna did her two 30 second spots, she’s a perfectionist and did them both twice (I didn’t know you had that ‘do over’ option, I took mental notes).  Francine was next, and she, in one take, decided to spice it up.  She said she was tuned into extraordinary shoes at great prices.  I didn’t know you could mention shoes? Hell, I would have mentioned I was tuned into dark chocolate and Oregon Pinot, had I known…..

Byron Beck, an online gossip columnist, and Karol Collymore, who ran for Multnomah County Commissioner, came in next.   They are doing a fun, gossipy, talk show called “Have You Heard”.  They were charming, funny, and just plain great!!  Genevieve Beatty-Tinsay was next, “Girl About Town”,  she was young, irresistible, and darling.  After a quick break for the camera crew, Trudi recommends that I go next. 

All these show hosts are known in their profession, they are respected, admired and qualified.  Genevieve might be young and new to the scene, but her youth made her unstoppable. I was now being asked to do a 20 minute sampling of my show, TWENTY F’IN MINUTES!!!  Having just agreed to do this the night before, I HAD NO IDEA what I would do. Nor what I would say, or how I’d possibly fake my way through this one….   

They positioned me to sit on the studio’s couch, put a microphone up my shirt, and pointed the two cameras at me. Jim, behind camera One, gave me the instruction, “Cinda, I want you to start by looking directly into my camera.  Then half way through your twenty minutes, I want you to look at camera Two, and right before you are ready to wrap it up, I want you to look back at camera One.  When you are done, look directly into the camera and smile for five seconds. OK? Ready?”

Ready, are you shittin’ me? Crap!  Can I really do this?  All I knew in that moment, was that there was no WAY IN HELL, I was going to remember to switch cameras, and that there was no way I had twenty minutes of material to talk about.

But, I also knew, and I could not deny, that I was here because I had invited myself, and it was MY time, right NOW (both literally and metaphysically)!  I took a deep, deep breath, looked into camera One and out came, "Hello, my name is Cinda Lonsway and last May my life was changed forever.  I remember the moment, late at night, I was inspired, motivated and moved, literally moved to the kitchen table at 1:00 in the morning. Frantically writing with pages flying off the tablet, I wrote down the words for an article, prose, poem, parable, whatever you might call it, but I call it ROAR!"

And so it started, this message - I spoke directly to women, to empower them to stand in their truth, their light,  to tap into their personal power…..  and then it happened, my nightmare.  (ROAR! is so personal and the power of that moment, speaking it out loud, well, the well of emotions got stirred up).  My voice cracked and I started crying – not that pretty cry with one single tear rolling down your cheek, no, that ugly cry where your face gets all distorted.  I was horrified, and yet no one came to my rescue, and I knew I couldn’t continue like this, so I stopped.  I said “Cut?” isn’t that what one says when they are on camera and need a do over?

I don’t know if Jim stopped the camera, but he told me it was alright, just to catch my breath and pick it up where I left off.  Surprisingly, I remembered just where I had stopped.  "Take TWO," Jim said, and with his fingers counting down from five, I picked it up right where I left it off.  My chest hurt, it burned as I tried to keep my emotions inside of me, my voice cracked and sputtered.  With much determination, I pushed through it.  With every swallow, I forced down a tear that was trying to creep up.  I stared deeply into the eye of camera One, and just as I knew I would, I totally forgot about camera Two. 

Somehow, someway, I came to the end, and I stared into the camera with a false smile plastered on my face for those 5 requested seconds.  It took Jim a few seconds to realize I was done, because I had only gone for seven minutes (yes, 7 minutes, not twenty!).  He mouthed to me, are you done?  I pleasantly nodded, yes, I sure as hell am!

Those five seconds, were horrific.  I sat there listening to an inner dialogue of which I hope to never hear from again.  Those five seconds of staring into the camera, knowing I would need to do it all over again and knowing I didn’t have a single emotion left in me to even try - felt intense, filled with disappointment, and the sick, sick feeling of failure. It consumed me. 

When Jim gave me the signal that the five seconds were over, I finally could breathe, something I hadn't done for those seven painful minutes. I released my gaze at the camera and focused on my knees. Well, Cinda, at least now you know, you know that you were not meant to do this, you tried, you failed, you can now go home. I wanted to throw up.

A small audience had stayed to watch, maybe six people, and they started clapping. I could hear them, I thought it was sweet, they had clapped for everyone that had gone before me.  But out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bob on camera Two, the camera I chose to ignore, dramatically flopping his arms backwards and I heard him yell, “That’s IT! You Nailed It!!!  That’s the Money Shot we’ve been looking for all day!” I raised my head slowly to look at him; did he not see how horrible I was?  Behind him, I could see Trudi dancing in her stocking feet, arms in the air, hooting it up.  Next to her, Francine was crying, wiping mascara from her cheeks.  She came up to me and gave me a huge hug, “You did it.  I am so proud of you!” she said.

To this day, to be really honest, I don’t know what they saw or heard or experienced, I have not seen the sponsor promo bit, and I am not sure I want to.  I do know this though, I couldn’t have been, or done, or behaved any differently.  I was as authentic and honest as I have ever been about anything I have ever done, EVER!  And if I can’t learn to embrace the feminine inside of me, the side of me that needs to cry when she speaks truth and taps into her genuine self, then how in the hell can I even begin to ask it out of others.  That moment, that was my ROAR!  Despite the fear, the tears, the shaky voice, I did it anyway.  Perhaps they could see all that, I am just now figuring it out for myself.

And you know what, I think it mattered.  I think it mattered that I wasn’t rehearsed, or polished, or professional.  I think it mattered that I was me, just plain me, a suburban stay at home mom, PTA volunteer, doing something out of her comfort zone, and without even being aware, I shined. 

And you know what?  You can too!  You have it within you to shine when you have convinced yourself that you are so unworthy of such light.  Within each of us is this power to be who we are meant to be.  To tap into the power of the feminine (women and men) and let our emotions show our truth, guide us to speak it, even when our voice shakes and quakes, people will listen, they will learn, and they will be altered.  They will throw their hands back as yell, “You did it!” or they will dance in their stocking feet and celebrate with you, or they will grab you, weeping tears right along with you and say, “Good job, I am so proud of you!”

It is all possible, I am living, breathing, freaking out proof of it!!  

Can You Really Do This? 

Hell, Yes You CAN!!!

Francine after the taping

Byron Beck and Karol Collymore getting instructions from Margie Boule

Trudi Morrison, Byron Beck and Karol Collymore

Janna Lopez, Margie Boule, Francine Raften

Fran and Jan doing their taping, Genevieve Beatty-Tinsay in the background 

A New Way of Being Me

I have always considered myself independent and pretty much a solo player for most things in my life.  I have found it easier to just do it, be done with it, and then talk about it later.  BUT recently something shifted in me, caused by an experience so foreign, so unknown to my ways, that I hope I never return to these old habits of Being Me.

It began in December, as an internal countdown began.  I intuitively knew that time was running out to finally make a decision about whether or not I should do my own radio show based on my article ROAR! here.  This realization of a decision needing to be made, created in me a sense of insecurity so unknown and unfamiliar to this independent player; I didn’t even know what to do with it, how to deal with it, but I sure knew what to call it – full blown FEAR!  This fear seemed paralyzing and petrifying, making it hard to breathe, dominating my free thoughts, and instead of being a level headed thinker, I had become a moody mess.  Just ask my family.

Well, the advantage of having highly intuitive friends is that they know things about you, when you aren’t yet prepared to say them out loud.  One such friend is Trinity, she is a dear friend and a mentor, and she could sense my fear.  To help me, she began to post quotes and Notes about fear and how to move through it, on her facebook site “Peace Resides Within”. Each day, I took to heart and practice what she posted.  Using them as guidance and counseling to work through my insecurities.   From a distance, Trinity had offered support, quietly typing one meaningful message after another…..  That is until January came.

New Year’s is a time when we state our resolution to be and become a better person.  Yet, I have never been successful with a single pledge made on this eve of new beginnings.  Therefore Trinity waited until the second week of January; at a gathering of women we call ‘The Bodacious Goddess Group’, where she clinked her glass of water with her egg covered knife and declared to the nine of us, “It is time to announce out loud, what our affirmations are for the New Year!”  And she stared right at ME!  Imagine what this did to my fear factor, it went straight to my throat.  I had to swallow hard to keep my breakfast down.

Sensing the pressure directed from Trinity towards me, a woman to my left, Julie, declared she would go first and we would go clockwise around the table (away from me).  Everyone laughed while I let out a huge sigh of relief, and quickly tried to compose myself.  I was being called out of my shell, put under the spot light, and I knew it.  There was no denying that it was time to speak out loud what I had been contemplating for months.  I knew when it would come to my turn that I would not only be asking for support, but I was about to, in front of these women, show my vulnerability.  I knew needed to ask those in this circle of sacred omelets and toast for grace and for courage, to please, please hold sacred space for.

This was a new moment for me.  A moment in time where I knew, if I could speak my truth, talk about my fear, and ask for help, the fear would no longer have such control over me…..  right?  Well almost…….

When you’ve played a certain role for years and finally open your gate and invite vulnerability in, it is as if the universe has you by your ovaries, right where it wants you, and it moves fast, real FAST (and it uses its players wisely).

 

I had carpooled to the restaurant and home with four friends, Karin, Julie, Terry, and Deanna.  When I pulled into my garage, Karin said, “Before you get out of the car Cinda, I need you to do something.  I need you to pull down your visor, look into the mirror and say to yourself, ‘Yes, I have my own radio show!’

I laughed awkwardly, but did as I was told, and found, as I looked into my eyes that it wasn’t so easy.  I quickly, shut the visor, and said, “You know, I am fine.”

Karin, who was sitting behind me, said, “No, we are not leaving until you say it.  Pull your visor down, look into your eyes and repeat after me, ‘Yes, I have my own radio show!”

Again, I opened my visor, and again I could not speak the words. Looking into my eyes, I could see the fear coming back.  I could also see and feel a building shame, and then embarrassment rising like a cloud over my retinas.  I couldn’t do it.  But before I could protest again, I felt four sets of hands on me as Karin recited and the others followed, with me slowly joining in, as bravery entered my soul, “Yes, I have my own radio show!” 

After five or six times of chanting together, with me finally speaking fully and boldly into my eyes, a clarity of understanding and internal (and eternal) strength set in.  We exited the car and stood in my driveway.  Holding hands in a circle, we yelled to the cloudy skies, “Yes, I have my own radio show!”

Cracked wide open I was, the fear exorcised out of me, ending up on the cement in a pile of useless dust; never to take form again inside of my spirit.  The curse had been broken!

Being an independent player, I have lived a life to avoid situations just like this one, where a group would be witness to my personal and private transformation from hell and back. But “this one”, was the most important “this one” I have ever experienced.  Why, would I have ever EVER wanted to deny myself such love and support and guidance and prayer???

Why, would I have lived such a life of false strength, when really true strength came in that moment of vulnerability? At that moment, we had invited the way of the Divine Feminine into our circle, the trust of true friends, pure intentions, and the presence of sacred ritual – it saved me from myself.

 

“YES! I have my own radio show!!!”  And the crowd goes wild!

WTH? How did I get here?

My story reads like science fiction or is it a fairy tale, without the Grimm’s drama and darkness, but where the fairy godmother waves her magic wand and grants all my wishes true.  So far it has been without any serious consequences, or are there?.....  ….. It is too soon to tell, it has just begun, this story of mine.  So as I blow a bit of fairy dust, or is it star dust, off my shoulders, let me catch you up on my story as of yet….

~ I am inspired to write ROAR! on Saturday, May 21, 2010 at 1:00am

~ An author/friend, Jack Armstrong, tells me I need to share ROAR! on Facebook.  I do on Sunday, May         23, 2010 at 5:29pm

~ ROAR! goes viral/international in a few weeks

~ ROAR! is published on multiple sites
~ ROAR! is acted out on stage in Canada/ used as a closing ceremony for a women’s workshop

~ ROAR! is used as a topic of discussion for multiple women groups

~ Francine Raften, Portland radio/TV veteran, approaches me with concept of ROAR! being a radio show on Wednesday, July 21^st at 8:00pm

~ I attend my first Earth2World Party, meet founder Trudi Morrison and other potential show hosts on Monday, August 2, 5:30pm

~ I finally agree, via emails, Yes, ROAR! should be a radio show on Earth2World.com, on Monday, February 17, at 7:09pm

~ First sampling of ROAR! the show taped at Earth2World on Tuesday, February 18, 2:00pm

~ First full hour show of ROAR! taped at E2W's studio on Thursday, February 28, 10:00am

~ ROAR!'s Facebook page and Blog created Tuesday, March 1

~ Earth2World and ROAR! (plus eight other shows) Launch on Thursday, March 3rd, 6:00pm

All this in only nine months!!!  WTHeck? How did I get here?  What does it mean? Who will I become?

My head is spinning, my gut is in knots, and I need to remind myself to breathe.  Literally, Breathe! 

So I decided to create this blog, “ROAR! with Cinda” to help me with two things: document my story as it unfolds, and to help me process what is happening (hopefully relieving me of some pent up nerves with the processing), but to be honest, I really want to share this journey with my family, my friends, and (is it fair yet to say) my fans.

After every taping or live show of ROAR!, my goal is to write about what took place during that event.  What did I experience, what behind the scenes events took place that I don’t want to forget, or things my followers might find entertaining to know?  I want to write about what I learned from the guests on the show, what emotions I experienced, and how it may have changed me.  I, also, want a place where I can thank the guests and the small audience who made an effort to come and participate, and encourage them to visit this blog and make comments of their own.

BUT, if I could wave my own magic wand and sprinkle some fairy dust upon this blog, as well as ROAR!’s Facebook site, and ROAR!’s Earth2World’s page, is that a community of fans, followers, guests, and experts all come together to share their own ROAR! story, personal experience, and supportive advice.  My wish is that this community will offer support to people who know they need to ROAR! but do not know how or are too afraid.  And, to come up with other show ideas for ROAR!, based on the needs of the community.  So let’s start a conversation…..

If you believe in magic, and trust me I DO, this site, this show, will not be about me, it will be about us, the ROAR! of the community.  There is a whisper coming on, a conversation which is beginning, a need to make a difference, and a desire to ROAR!  You are not alone, we will rise up together, united as one force.  I ask you now, do you feel it?     

ROAR!
by  Cinda Stevens Lonsway  © May 2010

It began as a whisper, of one woman leaning into the ear of another, "Do you feel it?" she asked. 


Then whispered to another, "Do you feel it?" and it began to spread, this whisper, from one woman to another, to another, whispering, "Do you feel it?  Do you feel it?"


The question was asked, once, then twice, then ten hundred whispers around the world; women wondering what it was they were feeling.  The whispering pulsed as the need for the answer grew.  "Do you feel it?"


The rhythm became stronger, bolder, as it spread to their hearts; knowing not which was the whisper and which was the heartbeat, for the two became one.  More and more women began to feel the pounding of a need, not yet understood, and the rumbling began to stir the earth under their feet.  
One woman stood, planting her feet firmly to the soil, raising her voice from a whisper and shouting, "Enough!".  "Enough!", yelled the woman standing next to her with her fists pumping the sky.

"Enough, Enough!!" shouted another and another; women holding firm in their stance, arms above their heads, "Enough!"  But it wasn't enough to stop the growing whisper, it is never enough when you are a woman, for women aren't always heard, they are taken for granted, too much is expected, too much is asked.  We give, we cry, and we shout, but it is never enough to be noticed, appreciated, worshiped. 


And the rhythm continued, it did not slow down, the pounding expounded, and the hearts of the women grew more restless. Their whispering was the beginning, their individual shouts were not enough.  Then one woman clasped the hands of her sister, who clasped the hands of her mother, who clasped the hands of her friend.  One solid sounding clasp after another, to another.  A sound of women bonding themselves together, united with the rhythm already sounding in their souls.  Hand to hand, heart to heart,  and then something happened in the comfort of unity, in the safety of numbers, another moment for another sound, but it came not from one, but from the consciousness of all women.


The sound came from the women of the now - mothers, grandmothers, sisters, daughters.  It came  from the women of the ancients.  And it came from the ultimate mother, the Mother Earth.  For the sound resonated with each and every woman, who had planted her feet into the soil to yell "Enough!".   And the women realized the rhythm they felt was not to be stopped, the rhythm was their calling, waking them up to their time.  Their time to yell, "Enough!" but not to stop the rhythm of their newly awakened hearts, but to the atrocities done to their mothers, grandmothers, sisters, daughters, their ancestors and their planet.


This understanding, this awakening, began to make their feet stomp, and in unison their voices raised, and what was once a whisper became a rumble, the rumble and grumble turned into a gentle roar.  But a roar is not meant to be gentle, a roar is meant to be fierce and powerful, and it grew in tones of base and treble, lows and highs, young and old throats creating a sound not heard in centuries of battle cries lead by priestesses and queens.  Until it no longer could be contained or ignored, and they roared, "NO MORE!" "NO MORE…!" and one by one, by tens, by thousands, they roared their loyalty to each other, to their families, to their sisters, their brothers, and to their Mother Earth.

"NO MORE!" said the Roar, "will I see myself as nothing worthy, of nothing beautiful, as less than more!"


"NO MORE!" said the Roar, "will I walk by hungry children and not feed them!"


"NO MORE!" they Roared, "will I ignore a bruised and battered woman and not invite her into my home."


"NO MORE! Will I send our children off to fight wars where there is no cause!" 


"NO MORE! Will I tolerate toxic waste being thrown out where only the poor can live."


"NO MORE, NO MORE!" the women roared, "will I know of children and women being sold into slavery, or tortured, or uneducated and do nothing!"


"NO MORE, will I stand by and let the oceans, mountains, air, forests, and fields be raped of their natural beauty or polluted with poison!"


This Roar grew, and the women grew stronger, and those who couldn't hear it before began to be stirred, altered, nervous, scared; for what did this mean, these powerful women roaring, demanding, pledging to change the world and the people around them?  It couldn't be good, this roaring, right?


WRONG!  For now, nothing could stop the ROAR of NO MORE.  And the women swayed, and the women stomped, and the women continued to Roar.  Men, good men, began to step into the circles and they too began to roar.  The youth, who once thought there was no hope for their future took to the circle, clasped hands with their parents, their teachers, their friends, and in the innocence of a new adventure, joined in the harmony of millions.  And the Roar of NO MORE, now one solid vibration, surrounded the world, and the earth began to rumble under their feet.


The planet began to shake, she began to quake, she shuddered and sputtered, she stretched and she pulled, she groaned and moaned, and then it happened.  Never before in the history of recorded events has the world ever shifted on it axis, in one bit of a final shoulder shake, Atlas turned this wonderful planet to the light. To the light of nurture, of nature, to the light of bravery, of truth, the light of change, of hope, to the light of Love and of Spirit, but it was to the LIGHT of WOMEN that the earth moved, to a brighter fuller moon in the sky shining among the masses of committed souls around the world.


Then all fell silent.... ... … as parents brought their children home from the streets and from war, as books were delivered to schools and girls entered their doors, fists and threats were no longer raised, and meals were shared with families.  Waste dumps were cleaned up, trees were planted, and oceans cleansed.  The power of the feminine moon shined equal in the sky to the masculine sun, and just like that, peace was formed, balance restored.  For when there is peace, there is room for the Divine, and when the Divine is with women, there is nothing we can't do... ... like rock the world on its axis or feel a whisper coming on. 


"Do you feel it?"


If you do, and I know you do, if you are woman alive today, you do...  I ask you to feel it, to unite with it, to help spread this whisper, create a stirring, and begin your ROAR of NO MORE!  Join me, please, I whisper to you now……