The Gift of Listening
by Cinda Stevens Lonsway ©2013
by Cinda Stevens Lonsway ©2013
The
most important gift you can EVER give another is the gift of listening.
It
seems simple enough, but if you really pay attention
to your attention, you would notice
how little attention you actually pay
to what another is saying. The longer
the story, the less attention you pay.
The duller and the more monotonous the voice, the less attention you
pay. There are so many excuses you can
give as to why you don’t listen, but the thing you need to know is that as
common as it may be, it is rude and ego driven.
When
you lose interest in someone’s story, you allow your mind to wander, or worse,
you start thinking about what you are going to say next. When you do that, you are NOT giving the gift
of listening. You are not living in the
moment. You are not being present.
The
biggest present you can give another is to be present with her (or him)... her words, her
emotions. You show that you are not only
listening, but that you hear her. Eckhart Tolle, author of “A New Earth,” tells
us (and I paraphrase) that when you are present with another, you are helping
that person awaken to her spirit. How
does that work? You are honoring the
essence of who she is. You learn to be
present by being aware of the person right in front of you; the person who is
talking.
The
Native Americans have a tradition called the Talking Stick. No one can talk or contribute vocally to the
circle unless they have the stick. Those
in the circle are asked to stay present, be quiet, and hold space for the one
who is talking. It is also a
judgment-free zone. How do you listen
without judgment? You set your ego aside
and listen.
Our
culture loves to talk over, around, through, and on top of anyone who is
talking. Our ego wants the limelight,
wants the stage, wants to talk. You
assume that what you have to say is entertaining, educational, and all-inspiring. Sometimes it is; sometimes it isn’t, but if
no one is listening, who really knows for sure?
We
have a horrible habit of filling a void of silence with our chatter. The rarest gift you can give another is the
gift of silence. Silence is one of the
most sacred of all moments
in communication. When you allow a space
for silence, you offer a space for communion of your spirits.
There
are people that still test my patience.
They may be older, or lonelier, or perhaps much younger than where I am
in my life. But through the years, I
have learned that beneath their stories is a need… a need to be heard, a need
to be valued, a need to be
needed. When I have a conversation with
them, the gift of listening becomes even more important. It is a HUGE and precious gift you can offer
them. The gift of listening is a
validation of who they are and of how much they matter.
I
have learned a valuable practice to listening when it is most difficult. There are the obvious good manners my parents
taught me, of looking her (or him) in
the eyes, nodding my head to show I understand what she is saying, and
repeating back what I have heard to ensure I have heard it correctly.
Those
moments, though, when I do find my mind wandering, or when my ego wants to
interrupt, or when I just lose track of the conversation, I found a way to
bring myself back. I have mastered a way to bring myself back to the focal point of the other person’s
voice. I am immediately re-centered and
in the present moment. I am listening.
I
silently recite a mantra to myself, “My gift to you is that I am listening,”
and I am reminded to listen. If I catch
my mind wandering again, or the story keeps going and growing, I again say to
myself, “My gift to you is that I am listening…" and yet again, if needed,
I silently recite it, "my gift to you is that I am STILL listening.”
It
may seem that I am not listening when I think this mantra, but that isn’t the
case. The mantra is repeated in an upper
part of my mind, not consuming my thoughts. It acts almost like a feeling, with
a memory of listening. It works! It reminds me to be present, and it allows me
to respect the person talking.
Try
it, you'll see what I mean. It is a true gift, one of the most priceless gifts
that you can give another. When you listen, you are showing the
other person that she (he) matters to
you. If she feels she matters, then she
will walk a little taller, and feel a bit more important. When you give the gift of listening, you give
the gift of self
esteem, the gift of self worth, and the gift of self confidence.
Being
present and in the moment with every person you talk and listen to allows the
space for two people to connect at a deeper level. When you listen, truly hear the voice of
another, you give the gift of your Self, of your spirit, to the other. You hold sacred space for the one talking;
even without a Talking Stick you honor the one in front of you.
My
gift to you is that I am listening, so let's talk.
